I feel as though life is so screwing me over right now because I always have something going wrong. Now its another thing of my health. I have a 9mm kidney stone on my left kidney and it causing so much pain and it just hurts like hell. I mean it makes me fucking scream like hell! I know that I am a bitch when it comes to pain but damn it I hate it. Whether its my heart or my body that is in pain. But the best thing I can do is pray and be strong for myself. I have goals yet still to accompolish so I know that I have to fight the deamons inside of my body. It is always something going wrong so I know that I have to continue to fight for it. But that's basically all for my life. I had a good day otherwise then that. My baby made me smile when she read me a poem she wrote me about how much she wants our future to be together. I am excited to see what the future holds. I sooooo want it to be with her. So that's basically it for everything. I have to continue to pray and be happy with her. I am out. Peace!
I know that I have not been posting on here but I have been extremely busy with college and other things. Well I just wanted to update you guys with my life. Life is always going to be full of its ups and downs. My ups and downs are with love. I lost my faith and my trust in my ability to choose the right one to love me the way that I should be loved. I try to make sure that I give them my everything and giving them my everythin caused my heart to broken. It caused me to be hurt all the time because people knew that they had my heart so they decided to take full advantage of the fact that I was vulnerable and would do anything for love. My heart was aching too much and I was tired of crying tired of my heart yearning for the right one to love. I was just tired. I just wanted a new beginning with someone. I tried at first a new beginning with my ex gurlfriend but all she did was take advantage. After I got out of the relationship with my crazy ass gurkfriend before her I knew that something was going to be different with her because she understood me at first and she knew that sooner or later iu was going to fall completely head over hills in love with her and there would be nothing that was going to change that. But for some reason my heart was telling me that I shouldn't have put my everything into loving her. Because she had another at the same time as loving me. I knew it but I was way to afraid of letting her go because of my fear of being by myself. I tried so hard but I got to a point where my heart was saying no more and I had to move on because life wasn't just going to be right for me. I knew when she stopped calling me that she had another who had her heart and she had made a mistake and slept with him and now the outcome of the situation was that she became pregnant and she was going to have to deal with the fact that she was going to raise the child she made with another by herself. It was hard but just when I thought of giving up another had come in my life and stolen my heart all over agin without a second look back. It was 2 years ago that I met her. It was during a time of need that I had. I was too scared to reach out to the people I had in my life so I decided to go on an annual retreat my school had. I knew everyone in the room but I didn't know her. She sat at this table that was accross from me looking so sexy and intelligent and just plain beautiful. I mean I just coukdnt take my eyes off of her because I knew that she had to be one of the most beautiful of gods perfect creations. I mean she made me breathless in just the minutes I first saw her face. I knew there would be a connection. But I had to approach her and I just didn't know how. I was scared so I decided to write her this note telling her that I thought she was so beautiful and that after the reconcilliation service we had I would love the chance to get to know her. When the time came up I didn't know what to say. She wanted to know everything about me and I was left speechless. But who would've cared if I poured my heart outb to her? She would've not told a soul because she just had something about her that just made me trust her with everything I had in me. She told me that I was phenomenal and I was beautiful. Words no other woman had ever said to me because they would let me be the only one to say that they were beautiful. I mean she made my heart skip beats within those first few minutes of that 3 and half hours we sat there and talked. I mean it really was this time love at first site. This woman had me with just the advice she was giving me. I couldn't hold back my blushes or my smiles because I felt so loved and so happy man. I mean I got everything I had been asking fo r my whole life in just 5 minutes spent with her and I wondered what would happern if I was to spend the rest of my life with her. Would she be the best thing I could have ever imagined my heart to have found? Would my prayers get answered? I mean just it was the best moments of my entire lifetime. Someone actually found me attractive and thought I was a phenomenal woman who did so many things phenomenally. I mean this woman had so much to offer me. So as time went on her and begin spending time together and everytime I touched or spent time with her it felt like I was falling in love with the same person all over again. I mean she made my hands shake, my palms sweat, my knees buckle and my heart skip beats each and everytime. Amazing is what she was then and amazing is what she is to thia day. I am glad to call this beautiful woman my partner in life in friendship and in love. She's my everything and there is nothing in this world that would ever change the fact that we are in love and there is nothing that can come between us. I have searched the depths of my soul doors, my minds intimate thoughts, my struggles and my ups and downs to just find that one who would be there for me through everything. Through the midst of my pain and my tears and my weaknesses I know I will always have this beautiful woman by my side. I mean forever is what I want to be with this woman. I want to even start a family with her and be there with her as she bears our children and I want to be able to come home to her. The smell of her cooking, the smell of her perfume, the smell of her body. I just want to be there with her at night. Holding her and kissing her and making love to her. I want top whisper sweet nothings into her ears and tell her I love her and watch as she blushes and as she smiles uncontrolably. I mean I want to just be in her presence all the time and love her unconditionally. With the feelings that I have for her to this day io know that it wil l be a strong chance that one day we might share our lives together. I am excited to see what the future holds. I am so going to hold onto the good thing that I have with this beautiful woman of mine. Once you find true love there is just nothing that is going to break the bond you two have. Its an amazing feeling you get in youe gut each and everytime that you see this one person. Its amazing. You should just always hold onto the love that is not going to hurt you. I am. So that's basically what I have been dealing with these past few months. Nothing really strange.. Excep0t the pregnancy of my mother... that's so crazy but what can I do.. Its my mother... I am happy for my family. I have to be. Its my family. Bit that's basically it for me life is just life and I have to live it to its full potential and trust and believe in the man above and love him for who and what he is. The omnipresent man he is. He's my everything and I thankhim everday for loving me unconditioanlly. That's basically it for me.. So feel free to leave comments and things.
~ Setting Myself Free of You ~
I sit here and I am driving myself crazy.
Tossing questions around in my head that I know I will never find answers for.
I know that I have to find a way to let you go.
I want to take back every piece of my heart I had once given to you.
I want to be whole again.
I am tired of being incomplete.
I don't see you,
I don't hear your voice,
But somehow you still torment me in my dreams.
I wake in a cold sweat everytime I rise.
I sleep and I breathe.
I have slipped into the shadows.
You don't even notice that I am gone.
You caused me so much pain when you were here with me.
I needed to let go of you.
Set myself free.
You are so far gone and I am yet to set myself free of you.
You always cross my mind.
I understand that you are so happy now that I am gone.
I don't care to know any of this.
It just breaks my heart.
Pulls me back when I have worked so hard on moving forward.
I know that I no longer exist in your world.
So I hope this is the last time I ever think about you.
I hope tonight will be the last time I utter your name in my sleep.
I hope this is closure.
I wish I was as strong as you though,
I wish I was as numb as you,
As careless as you.
But I guess that is what makes us two different people.
can somebody tell what it is like to be in love?... i mean love..this time its actually love..and she returns the love back..she actually lovesme back..so many times there has always been relationships where the feelings were not mutual and i always had to put my heart into things and people just tokk advantage and it just was crazy.....but now i am better and i can now move to what i was just ment to do love her.. i love her with every inch of my body ,y ,mind and my soul..everything about her just makes my whole body tremble...i love her and damn it feels good just to say that i actually love her back and i am able to tell her that every night that we get off the phone with each other.. i am able to say that and not scared to say it because i think that she would hurt and use my own words against me....its amazing when the true love comes your way......damn i havent been able to stop talking about her all day for some reason...i mena from head to toe this one woman makes me complete..is it to early to fall in love?..but how bout its not to early to actually love someone and stop pretending to love someone whose calld you regret to see on your phone who could just be by themselves and you could really care the hell less.... i just dont..i am not heartless i am just willing to express the way i have been feelin for the past few months......without fear.....i aint scared of the bitch no more.....but anyways..when i am in love its great... i love her a question i continue to ask myself day in and day out why do i love a woman the way that i am suppose to be loving a man?...is it my fear of men? or is it my attraction to women? who knows but all i know is that i love a woman and she actually loves me back...no games and not two-timing things just her and i forever..for some reason everything today has been about her i mean everything...from top to bottom my body and head are full of her love and of her crazy ass voice.....her love all the times were on the phone loving each other and saying stupid stuff to each other....whoever knew that love could ever feel this way? whoever knew that my baby would be the best thing in my life now..but the hard thing about it is that i am going to school and i am not going to have all the time to spend with her and its hard because shes my baby and i love her and the time that i want to spend with her is hard to not to because i just love her.. the touch of her soft lips, her warm embrace and her crazy laugh just makes me tremble just thinking about her..the way she makes the whole world seem so complete and nothing will ever come and do any harm to me or her..her words sometimesjust captivate and send me into this crazy phase where i just want her lips near my ear where i can here her erotic words linger in my head and nothing else can get through.only gods words could get through.....and her thoughts and nothing else baby......i love you baby gurl.......your mine and only mine....sometimes when u feel as though you are in this world alone and there is nothing else left and you are going crazy and u wish that there was an answer to your problems people come in your life and there is an automatic change..people start noticing the change in your appereance and the change in your looks and how you present yourself.....you just relize that you are now officially in love with them.... i can sit here and say that there was once a time in my life where i didnt want to love again but now its like i love her and there is no doubts....she really knocks me off my geet..from head to toe she captivates me and makes me whole..her presence in a room just allows me to see and grow and just realize that not everyone in this world is nor as harsh as i was to think that they were....shes everything to me....what god has sent me was an angel an ther eis no other one he could send me to capture my heart and intrigue me with their words.....i dont have anythng else in this world that would make me more happy than this one woman in my life.she loves me and i love her and there is no doubts in either side of the relationship.......i just love it..love hits you when times are rough or when its the best thing to ever happen....my baby my wife my everything..thats all love is everything for me right now.. i hope that it will become like that for everyone because love is love and you must not judge.. its love..i love because its the best thing for me....i may not love the person everyone thinks i should love but for some reason the wrong to others is the best to me.. there is nothing in this world that would change that.. i am not wrong for following my heart.. god put me here to love someone and i just cant help that i love another woman.....god should've made me to love another woman....shes the best for me and i couldnt've chose another perfect lova......i love you and dont you ever forget that.
i just do not undersatnd wats going on excpet that I am soconfused.. I want my baby with me and I just want some sllep...m thoguts are racing and my feet are pacing..comfusin is the name of the game that I am playing tonite....i want to talk about love, sex, romance and the facts of life..but what the hell to do with the racing thoughts....i guess for now I am going to let my mind think and get some rest...so until next time......