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fucking life

I feel as though life is so screwing me over right now because I always have something going wrong. Now its another thing of my health. I have a 9mm kidney stone on my left kidney and it causing so much pain and it just hurts like hell. I mean it makes me fucking scream like hell! I know that I am a bitch when it comes to pain but damn it I hate it. Whether its my heart or my body that is in pain. But the best thing I can do is pray and be strong for myself. I have goals yet still to accompolish so I know that I have to fight the deamons inside of my body. It is always something going wrong so I know that I have to continue to fight for it. But that's basically all for my life. I had a good day otherwise then that. My baby made me smile when she read me a poem she wrote me about how much she wants our future to be together. I am excited to see what the future holds. I sooooo want it to be with her. So that's basically it for everything. I have to continue to pray and be happy with her. I am out. Peace!
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    determined determined
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My faith annd trust in love....

I know that I have not been posting on here but I have been extremely busy with college and other things. Well I just wanted to update you guys with my life. Life is always going to be full of its ups and downs. My ups and downs are with love. I lost my faith and my trust in my ability to choose the right one to love me the way that I should be loved. I try to make sure that I give them my everything and giving them my everythin caused my heart to broken. It caused me to be hurt all the time because people knew that they had my heart so they decided to take full advantage of the fact that I was vulnerable and would do anything for love. My heart was aching too much and I was tired of crying tired of my heart yearning for the right one to love. I was just tired. I just wanted a new beginning with someone. I tried at first a new beginning with my ex gurlfriend but all she did was take advantage. After I got out of the relationship with my crazy ass gurkfriend before her I knew that something was going to be different with her because she understood me at first and she knew that sooner or later iu was going to fall completely head over hills in love with her and there would be nothing that was going to change that. But for some reason my heart was telling me that I shouldn't have put my everything into loving her. Because she had another at the same time as loving me. I knew it but I was way to afraid of letting her go because of my fear of being by myself. I tried so hard but I got to a point where my heart was saying no more and I had to move on because life wasn't just going to be right for me. I knew when she stopped calling me that she had another who had her heart and she had made a mistake and slept with him and now the outcome of the situation was that she became pregnant and she was going to have to deal with the fact that she was going to raise the child she made with another by herself. It was hard but just when I thought of giving up another had come in my life and stolen my heart all over agin without a second look back. It was 2 years ago that I met her. It was during a time of need that I had. I was too scared to reach out to the people I had in my life so I decided to go on an annual retreat my school had. I knew everyone in the room but I didn't know her. She sat at this table that was accross from me looking so sexy and intelligent and just plain beautiful. I mean I just coukdnt take my eyes off of her because I knew that she had to be one of the most beautiful of gods perfect creations. I mean she made me breathless in just the minutes I first saw her face. I knew there would be a connection. But I had to approach her and I just didn't know how. I was scared so I decided to write her this note telling her that I thought she was so beautiful and that after the reconcilliation service we had I would love the chance to get to know her. When the time came up I didn't know what to say. She wanted to know everything about me and I was left speechless. But who would've cared if I poured my heart outb to her? She would've not told a soul because she just had something about her that just made me trust her with everything I had in me. She told me that I was phenomenal and I was beautiful. Words no other woman had ever said to me because they would let me be the only one to say that they were beautiful. I mean she made my heart skip beats within those first few minutes of that 3 and half hours we sat there and talked. I mean it really was this time love at first site. This woman had me with just the advice she was giving me. I couldn't hold back my blushes or my smiles because I felt so loved and so happy man. I mean I got everything I had been asking fo r my whole life in just 5 minutes spent with her and I wondered what would happern if I was to spend the rest of my life with her. Would she be the best thing I could have ever imagined my heart to have found? Would my prayers get answered? I mean just it was the best moments of my entire lifetime. Someone actually found me attractive and thought I was a phenomenal woman who did so many things phenomenally. I mean this woman had so much to offer me. So as time went on her and begin spending time together and everytime I touched or spent time with her it felt like I was falling in love with the same person all over again. I mean she made my hands shake, my palms sweat, my knees buckle and my heart skip beats each and everytime. Amazing is what she was then and amazing is what she is to thia day. I am glad to call this beautiful woman my partner in life in friendship and in love. She's my everything and there is nothing in this world that would ever change the fact that we are in love and there is nothing that can come between us. I have searched the depths of my soul doors, my minds intimate thoughts, my struggles and my ups and downs to just find that one who would be there for me through everything. Through the midst of my pain and my tears and my weaknesses I know I will always have this beautiful woman by my side. I mean forever is what I want to be with this woman. I want to even start a family with her and be there with her as she bears our children and I want to be able to come home to her. The smell of her cooking, the smell of her perfume, the smell of her body. I just want to be there with her at night. Holding her and kissing her and making love to her. I want top whisper sweet nothings into her ears and tell her I love her and watch as she blushes and as she smiles uncontrolably. I mean I want to just be in her presence all the time and love her unconditionally. With the feelings that I have for her to this day io know that it wil l be a strong chance that one day we might share our lives together. I am excited to see what the future holds. I am so going to hold onto the good thing that I have with this beautiful woman of mine. Once you find true love there is just nothing that is going to break the bond you two have. Its an amazing feeling you get in youe gut each and everytime that you see this one person. Its amazing. You should just always hold onto the love that is not going to hurt you. I am. So that's basically what I have been dealing with these past few months. Nothing really strange.. Excep0t the pregnancy of my mother... that's so crazy but what can I do.. Its my mother... I am happy for my family. I have to be. Its my family. Bit that's basically it for me life is just life and I have to live it to its full potential and trust and believe in the man above and love him for who and what he is. The omnipresent man he is. He's my everything and I thankhim everday for loving me unconditioanlly. That's basically it for me.. So feel free to leave comments and things.
  • Current Music
    justin timberlake - what goes around comes around
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the peom which tells it all..im am officially over her...

~ Setting Myself Free of You ~

I sit here and I am driving myself crazy.
Tossing questions around in my head that I know I will never find answers for.
I know that I have to find a way to let you go.
I want to take back every piece of my heart I had once given to you.
I want to be whole again.
I am tired of being incomplete.
I don't see you,
I don't hear your voice,
But somehow you still torment me in my dreams.
I wake in a cold sweat everytime I rise.
I live,
I eat,
I sleep and I breathe.
I have slipped into the shadows.
You don't even notice that I am gone.
You caused me so much pain when you were here with me.
I needed to let go of you.
Set myself free.
You are so far gone and I am yet to set myself free of you.
You always cross my mind.
I understand that you are so happy now that I am gone.
I don't care to know any of this.
It just breaks my heart.
Pulls me back when I have worked so hard on moving forward.
I know that I no longer exist in your world.
So I hope this is the last time I ever think about you.
I hope tonight will be the last time I utter your name in my sleep.
I hope this is closure.
I wish I was as strong as you though,
In someways,
I wish I was as numb as you,
As careless as you.
But I guess that is what makes us two different people.
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what its like to be in love!!!!!!!!!

                    can somebody tell what it is like to be in love?... i mean love..this time its actually love..and she returns the love back..she actually lovesme back..so many times there has always been relationships where the feelings were not mutual and i always had to put my heart into things and people just tokk advantage and it just was crazy.....but now i am better and i can now move to what i was just ment to do love her.. i love her with every inch of my body ,y ,mind and my soul..everything about her just makes my whole body tremble...i love her and damn it feels good just to say that i actually love her back and i am able to tell her that every night that we get off the phone with each other.. i am able to say that and not scared to say it because i think that she would hurt and use my own words against me....its amazing when the true love comes your way......damn i havent been able to stop talking about her all day for some reason...i mena from head to toe this one woman makes me complete..is it to early to fall in love?..but how bout its not to early to actually love someone and stop pretending to love someone whose calld you regret to see on your phone who could just be by themselves and you could really care the hell less.... i just dont..i am not heartless i am just willing to express the way i have been feelin for the past few months......without fear.....i aint scared of the bitch no more.....but anyways..when i am in love its great... i love her a question i continue to ask myself day in and day out why do i love a woman the way that i am suppose to be loving a man?...is it my fear of men? or is it my attraction to women? who knows but all i know is that i love a woman and she actually loves me back...no games and not two-timing things just her and i forever..for some reason everything today has been about her i mean everything...from top to bottom my body and head are full of her love and of her crazy ass voice.....her love all the times were on the phone loving each other and saying stupid stuff to each other....whoever knew that love could ever feel this way? whoever knew that my baby would be the best thing in my life now..but the hard thing about it is that i am going to school and i am not going to have all the time to spend with her and its hard because shes my baby and i love her and the time that i want to spend with her is hard to not to because i just love her.. the touch of her soft lips, her warm embrace and her crazy laugh  just makes me tremble just thinking about her..the way she makes the whole world seem so complete and nothing will ever come and do any harm to me or her..her words sometimesjust captivate and send me into this crazy phase where i just want her lips near my ear where i can here her erotic words linger in my head and nothing else can get through.only gods words could get through.....and her thoughts and nothing else baby......i  love you baby gurl.......your mine and only mine....sometimes when u feel as though you are in this world alone and there is nothing else left and you are going crazy and u wish that there was an answer to your problems people come in your life and there is an automatic change..people  start noticing the change in your appereance and the change in your looks and how you present yourself.....you just relize that you are now officially in love with them.... i can sit here and say that there was once a time in my life where i didnt want to love again but now its like i love her and there is no doubts....she really knocks me off my geet..from head to toe she captivates me and makes me whole..her presence in a room just allows me to see and grow and just realize that not everyone in this world is nor as harsh as i was to think that they were....shes everything to me....what god has sent me was an angel an ther eis no other one he could send me to capture my heart and intrigue me with their words.....i dont have anythng else in this world that would make me more happy than this one woman in my life.she loves me and i love her and there is no doubts in either side of the relationship.......i just love it..love hits you when times are rough or when its the best thing to ever happen....my baby my wife my everything..thats all love is everything for me right now.. i hope that it will become like that for everyone because love is love and you must not judge.. its love..i love because its the best thing for me....i may not love the person everyone thinks i should love but for some reason the wrong to others is the best to me.. there is nothing in this world that would change that.. i am not wrong for following my heart.. god put me here to love someone and i just cant help that i love another woman.....god should've made me to love another woman....shes the best for me and i couldnt've chose another perfect lova......i love you and dont you ever forget that.
  • Current Music
    jay z- hard knock life
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my heart

i have completely given my heart to this woman..she knows who she is and its really hard and i just dont know what to do.. i mean i love her and there is nothing in this world that i would rather do than to be with her and i know its alot for the both of us and its like i just dont know what to do ya know..so yeah just totally confused and i just feel like lost in this crazy world of love... i love her more each ancd everyday but its just difficult..her words just take my breathe away and her beauty sends me back in my min..to places i just cant fathom of going during a normal day..i mean shes just the woman i always wished for and she knows that my heart mind body and soul belongs to her and only her nothing else in this world.....just me and her until death..we have been having some falling outs lately but i know that we will get it back on track and my heart will always beloing to my baby forever...i just have to once again give it all to her and only her..i really do love her...io hope the other people know in my life that there is noone else like her.. who would ever think i would fall for this woman again but its like i did and forever will she be mine...shes the best....i just wanted the world to know love has snatched me up and sent me into this phase where there is nothing but me and this gurl forever......love is a great thing once you embrace it without the pain and the agony and the hurt and the arguements everyday...we all must embrace love and have love embrace us..its great and not as bad as the last relationship i had made it seem it to be.....now and forever will my heart belong to this woman..shes great and i wouldn't ask for anything else...i love u baby.....

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what the hell is going through my head?....

i just do not undersatnd wats going on excpet that I am soconfused.. I want my baby with me and I just want some sllep...m thoguts are racing and my feet are pacing..comfusin is the name of the game that I am playing tonite....i want to talk about love, sex, romance and the facts of life..but what the hell to do with the racing thoughts....i guess for now I am going to let my mind think and get some rest...so until next time......
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i talked to her for the first time in over a year

I finally talked to this gurl after a whole year..damn i did miss her and i was just thinkin over her the other day...damn shit happens for a reason....

             well it was a very interesting conversation..we both talked about our past relationships and hw they fucked us both up.. i do mean fucked up...we both expereinced the same type of neglect and also like so sort of abuse in our past relationships so yeah..its so strange though..talking to her was so different..like it just was not the same as it was a year ago..we both had matured a lot and its like  we both are like growing up and things so yeah.. i felt free of those feelings i once had about a year ago.. i really like knw that those are gone and its like there is nothing in this world that would change that ya know.. but felt damn good to get back to old things because i felt like i was mising her and like kept thinking about her alot...but god brought her back and like i know that it was for a reason and that reason is unknown but this chick i still crazy as hell and i will be there for her because shes in pain and i am a friend but not the person who would get the same feelings forever ya know.. i beleve that im ok.. thoguh.. i have love in my life and i know that i am not the same person anymore..but umm yeah..i hope we get to talk the way we did again and like i hope that she knows that i am here for her forever..so yeah..imnot ever going to let us loose contact anymore..it was just crazy.. ya know but i guess it was for a reason and the reason is stil blanking my mind..but im just glad... its so crazy...but im like going to stop talking about this..my head is filling with memories.......

                 Well i just been on the phone and like talking about nothing..boring but i just love how i can talk to a whole network of people and its so great ya know...sprint and nextel did a great thing when we they came together to make a whole service which is able me to connect with people i love but notmi best friend..damn i am mad..but she knows that i love her though..but umm me and erica have been talking like crazy all day and like we just like listening to peoples voices and things.. i dont know....but she likes me and wants me and i dont know wat to do...shes way to young for me and like anyone that i know but its all good.....though she crazy and funny to be on the phone with though..she makes me smile and laugh and she makes my day ya know..but umm well ireally did nothing today either..i have been sitting here waiting for the nurse to come and pull this line out of my arm so that i can get away from this thing..im tired of this thing..i need to be free from all this infection and medcine and stuff ya know but its wild that  just keep getting these things..i hate that iam like in and out of the hospital like crazy but its like i could care less now because i am so much better than i was  before ya know.... i wish that i was away and free from this crazy disease ya know but who knows the outcome of hings when u just keep trucking along..... u just have to sometimes keep kicking and things will become better when u have fait.. i ont want to give u on life but i just want to live it out and do thi the things that god GOD has put me here on earth for..to become a registered pediatric nurse woeking for all times of children and adolescents making sure that they make it through watever they are going through at that particular time ya know....i want to be like the nurses who helped save my life ya know..i do not want what they taught me go to waist ya know...i love to take that to the next level..but yeah..so now for a while i just have been texting people and like the problems go as follows...
              well she is having these problems with the baby father and like she was like having a har time she only has partial custody of her daughter and she is living with her father..shes just been trippin latelty i just dont know because i just dont..she really been like going crazy but its ok i guess that she will be ok....i love her regardless...but its ok though.....

    i think that it is for now/..im going to lay down and talk to my best friend......for now because i miss her like shit so yeah..holla
  • Current Music
    torn- letoya letuckett
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shit..... my heart bleeds and my body yearns....

i have so much shit on my mind i just domt know where to begin except where i want to. i guess i will start wiuth where my mind has been all day. i am really going to miss her when i go to school..damn i did not know that when u love it hurts when u leave thgem. never really thought about that. i wish i could take her with me and have her next to me every step of the way because i just love her. only god really knows how much and why i loive the way i do and so deeply. i mean that life and things happen but with her i just yearn. as i look at the pictures we took together and the many memories that we will share together in the time we will spend together before i leave but its like they are just not enough. i shared my every thought and my every emotion with this one woman and i still do. i mean damn how do u love so deeply when u know that you guys may not be together for long? how do u let someone be there with u in mind and spirit really and dont know why they are in your presence. damn love just comes and grabd you and takes you to places where you just cant be found anymore. i juist cant find my feelings anymore. i love her. i find myself just daydreaming and wishing she would be here with me all the time. we just cant really have wat we want all the time and i know it may be difficult but shes my everything and love would not be the same without her in it. we all fall in love when we think that we love someone and then when we find the real love it just magically comes and takes you away and it just does not feel so real. i just feel like a different person and i just cant make any sese of this one gurl. i do mean woman excuse me. every inch of her makes me say damn and every piece of her heart just makes me melt. i guess with me talking about her so much just makes my heart melt even more...i hope someday we get wat we both  ask for. i love you baby 

my day today
words do not explain my day today. i do mean it was quite boring and there is no reason behind me being so bored. there are some family issues which caused me to stay home today bu i just have to continue to pray about it and it will get better.i just do not know how or wat to  do anymore. sometimes i catch myself in my room crying just wishing that i had my grandmother here telling me that things will be better and there is nothing else for me to worry about it. but there is alwats somethong going through my massive of a brain in my head. today i was browsing through a website and i found this one transgendered female to male page.i saw it and it caught my eye. i just had to read it. i described a woman who was in search of herself for a long time and like she could not find herself she reverted to any eating disorder in which she let control her until was put into rehab and was led to believe that had a deeper reason behind her sence of control here. so finally she realuzed that she was transgenedered she never really liked being a girl. it just was not for her. she felt as tough she was a man. so when she figured that out she then stpped that day and never threw up again her eating disorder was getting some closure because  she changed and found herself. now she lives her life as cole and now is livig as a male. he is doing great. i mean this just hit me damn is this me? do i want to be just ie him? is my bulimis masking the fact that i am not comfortable living in the body of a woman? wat do i do? i have a family who is not going to accept me for that wat should i do?..i am so scared right now.....it hurts im confused. but i believe this might be the issue that my hearts feels as thugh s taking over me. it hurts i need some help or advice or something this shit seems to be so complicated..who knows...but i think i have to sleep on this and find out wat my mind really thinks.. it just hurts me like crazy... so im going to bed now and have to think about shit. nust know that i yearn for her but yet dont know whether i can have her but inly god knows. but umm oh and i have to think about the transgenered thing..maybe or maybe not its the issue.....but once again its only in the hands of the man above.. well until next time holla at me.

  • Current Music
    free yourself- fantasia
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finally, i got my pictures from graduation......

well finally i can savor the memories from my high school graduation.. its the best thing to ever happen to me im so peoud of myself well first let me show u pictures of the lady i have been talking about in everything i write about..... this is my michela..

shes the one with the blue sash around her neck...yup thats her aint she beautiful.....and the lady with the red around her neck is her sis emily...shes crazy but u have to love her forever..shes struls...thats wats up..umm this will be my favirote picture forever because its her and i sharing in the moment together.
well i have to wait for the others to download so when they finish i will do another postng here but until then i just have to wait and see....
  • Current Music
    lets get married by jagged edge